My name is Ashley, and I’m Hayden’s older sister. I’ve been obsessed with her since she was 2 years old (when she was a baby – not so much), and I have been bragging about her art for just as long. Hayden is incredibly talented, and I could not be more delighted that she is sharing her paintings and helping make happy and colorful memories with you.
She’s also been sharing some about her personal life, something that we’ve historically not been big fans of. But so much of Hayden’s art is inspired by personal stories and memories, and I’m excited to be a guest blogger to write about a piece she just made for me, inspired by what will likely be the most memorable and intimate moment of my life. As I said, we haven’t typically been big fans of publically sharing personal stories, but I think there are a lot of good messages here about our lives, love, and the end of life.
In her previous blog posts, Hayden talked about Martha, our second mother. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a fantastic mother like Hayden and I are, and certainly most people are not lucky enough that they get 2 fantastic mothers. Martha loved Hayden and me unconditionally just as if we were her own.
Martha lived with a chronic disease for years. We rarely talked about it outside of our homes, but I don’t think Martha would be mad at us for talking about it now, especially when her story could help other people. Martha and her family planned well, and they worked with her doctors and Hospice Care of South Carolina to make the most of her last few years. This is called palliative care, and the idea is to provide comfort, reduce suffering, and improving quality of life. It’s a hot topic in the health care industry, and I’m lucky that I get to work with an organization that is very interested in learning more about how to help care for patients with serious illnesses.
Patients with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease are very often high utilizers of the health care system with ER visits and multiple hospital readmissions. During the course of her disease, Martha was only admitted to the hospital once. That’s amazing. She worked with her family, physicians, and Hospice nurses to make her wishes known so that we could all plan for the end of her life. [Cut to Professional Ash for a second]: These discussions and decisions can be very difficult, but you don’t have to wait until a disease diagnosis to have these conversations with your family. There’s a are a number of organizations and tools out there, such as The Conversation Project, to help empower people to talk about end of life care with their loved ones, and April 16 is National Health Care Decisions Day.
I will be forever grateful that I was with my mom and sister when we learned that Martha had suddenly declined. As Hayden mentioned, we were so lucky to be able to spend the last week of Martha’s life at her house with her daughters, just like we had as children. When we were kids, if it was a weekday and we weren’t in school, we were at Martha’s. So many of our memories involve her cooking, baking, crafts, stories, songs that she made up on the spot, and lullabies that she sang us over and over. Our favorite was “Home on the Range.”
To me, Martha is love. There is no reason that a woman who is not your real mother should care for you, feed you, nurse you, and treat you like your own except for unconditional love. But Martha did. She encouraged us, bragged on us, disciplined us, and taught us how to care for others every day. Her home was a place “where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day,” and that is what I want for my life.
Without a doubt, my most colorful memory happened in the last hours of Martha’s life, and it is without a doubt the most beautiful and the most heartbreaking moment of my life. My mom, Hayden, Ellis, and I were spending time with Martha when Ellis started to cry. Hayden told Martha “I sing to Ellis, just like you sang to us,” and she began singing “Home on the Range.” Hayden didn’t realize that while she was singing, Martha’s 3 daughters and husband came into the room. We all cried, and I cried enough that it made me want to hold Sarah’s hand and sob into Carol’s shoulder. You should know that I hate when people touch me, so I was clearly out of sorts. Carol later remarked that it was like a [majestic] bird had suddenly landed on her and she didn’t want to make any sudden moves that could scare it away. You wouldn’t call Hayden a “good” singer, but it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.
In that moment – in that room – were the people who’ve loved me most in the world. And 5 of them aren’t even related to me. The people in that room continue to shape my definitions of family and love, and they’ve perfectly shaped Hayden as a sister, as a friend, as an artist, and as a mother. To watch Hayden sing in front of our 2 moms to my niece was incredible, and it will forever be my favorite memory that’s become my daily reflection, “Oh give me a home.” To see how Hayden has been inspired by Martha’s life to FINALLY! (amiright, Ma?) share her art with you makes me so proud.
I can’t imagine that more than 5 people read this far, but if you did, thank you. Apparently blogging is cathartic. Who knew?! Maybe that’s what all the fuss is about.
(Note from Hayden:
Well my makeup was on point until I read this. Thank you to my sister for writing this and to everyone who reads. Here is a link to the artwork that was inspired by this story)
Lovely blog post Ashley, made me cry!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written...thank you for sharing!
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